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In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
In a parallel alternate universe, my cat and my dog have jobs and I chill at home.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
Save time. See it my way.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
The best thing about smartphones is that you don`t have to refold maps anymore.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.
I’m watching this show on stalkers, still haven’t seen any of you yet.