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it`s not that I`m bad at remembering names, I`m just awesome at forgetting them.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
I always close my eyes when I kiss a woman. Experience tells me that if my eyes are open, I get a lot more pepper spray in them.
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
If you can read this please let me know – because it means I blocked the wrong person.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
I’m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data