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Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
You might be a REDNECK if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!! :)) lol
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.