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That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time, so I showed her pictures of me before we met.
I`m running out of people I can tolerate!
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though.
Success sleeps with u in private. Failure insults u in public ! Aa
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole....