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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Sometimes “Girl`s night out” means she has just taken her bra off
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
I’ve been texting so much lately that I move my thumbs from side to side when I’m actually talking to someone.
Trust me, I am a liar.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?