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Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Me in a shopping mall: "I like that stuff" *looks at pricetag* "i don`t like it anymore"
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.