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I just made you think of an elephant
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
is accepting applications. Needed someone to keep me from doing dumb stuff. See previous post.
My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to.
There`s only one kind of exercise I know and its the beer run.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.