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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
I ate a shepherd`s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?