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There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
A lot of talk from the peasants lately about my arrogance.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I may have let you down, but it`s your fault for having such high hopes.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…