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Is there anyone called Phillip here? I found your screwdriver.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...