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You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.