Daily Silly Status

I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.

Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?

Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.

Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`

I was going to get a lot of stuff done tonight, but I didn`t. Because, you know...beer.

There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.

I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.

I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.

Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.

I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.

"There`s more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb

I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.

I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.

My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.

We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper