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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
roses are red, violets are blue, god made everyone beautiful, what the hell happened to you?
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.