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How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
Christmas spirit? I`m proud to say I`ve got plenty of that. I`ve got rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, vodka and tequila.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!