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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
That awkward moment when a comment gets more “likes” than your status.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Good news: I finally got my computer connected to the wireless printer. Bad news: not sure which house I need to go to get my documents.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"