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Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, `change color and escape in a cloud of ink`
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....