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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Wanna know what it`s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I saw that! - Karma
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.