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Apparently getting injured while in the KISS Army doesn`t make you eligible for V.A. benefits.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
Why are people with BAD breath always wanting to tell me a secret?
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.