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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
If Eve sacraficed the whole human race for Apple, I wonder what she would have done for a Klondike Bar?
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
I followed my heart...now I`m at the liqour store
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.