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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
"mommy watch this!" is the toddler equivalent of "hold my beer and watch this"
I went to see a psychiatrist today. He told me I had a split personality and charged me $160. I gave him $80, and told him to get the rest from the other a$$hole!
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Thinking about waking up early for a run. Mostly thinking about how I will not be doing that.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
I`m so old, I remember when the internet didn`t have commercials.