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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
I get so tired of the same old BS...can´t I get a little BS variety?
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.