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They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
Not to get technical… but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?