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is pretty sure there´s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.