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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
McDonald`s sponsoring the Olympics is like Jack Daniels sponsoring the prom.
When in doubt, procrastinate.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
I haven`t gotten laid in so long, you`d swear I`ve been wearing Crocs all this time.