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If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Mosquito`s and parking inspectors must be from the same family...