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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
Notice how writers don’t rewrite books, how about we stop remaking movies.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!