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Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.