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If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
Bitch Iām not insulting you, Iām describing you.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze ... with a mouthful of rice.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.