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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don`t want to see naked.
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster