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It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
Do you guys remember 10 years ago, when all the people with gluten allergies were dying in the streets like diseased cattle?
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.