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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.