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Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is Satan`s chariot.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don`t meow back. Unbelievably rude