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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
Home: The place where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
when in Rome get naked ;)