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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
Admit it, you should be doing something else really important right now but your on Facebook again.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
I hate when I accidentally eat everything in sight.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"