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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
Whatever “Estimated Time of Arrival” on the GPS. Challenge accepted.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.