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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
Remember when there was more important crap to do besides Facebook all day? Me neither.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
7.1 billion people in the world. 0 willing to lower their standards and date me.
Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.