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How do they put the "do not walk on the grass" signs up?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
The coolest tourist attraction in the world is the Sistine Chapel, because it`s full of ceiling fans.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.