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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.