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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
real eyes realize real lies
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Apparently a new study shows that unattractive men make better mates. Nice try, ugly scientists.
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
Preheating an oven requires too much commitment.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.