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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.