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facebook cuz am too old to have imaginery friends
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so we can "like it" and laugh..
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women