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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
I watched my first silent movie the other day. The kids weren`t there.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
Every day can be Friday if you`re really irresponsible.
We get it people on Facebook. You`re married, you have kids, you`re happy. Calm down.
I am a drinker ... Hear me pour
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
Going to Target. See you in about two hundred bucks...
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."