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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
I need more people like me in my life
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.