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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.