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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Honk if you are reading this.
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....