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I`m trying to live healthier......but I`m considering taking up cigars, since they`re still the coolest way to light dynamite fuses.
I watch CSI for the great tips they give out.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Learning to "stop drop and roll" in elementary school lead me to believe catching on fire would be a much more frequent problem in life.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.