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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours