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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
I don`t know if my stomach is growling cuz I`m hungry or if that`s my liver crying cuz it`s the weekend.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?