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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I saw the most beautiful painting at the store the other day … but then I realized it was a mirror.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
I started to compliment my neighbors on their new wallpaper but then I realized they can`t hear me through binoculars.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, these are Awesome!"
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.
awesome collection!