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Of course it`s you. If it was me I wouldn`t even bring it up.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.