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Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
really vry funny
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
People say that 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn`t agree.
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.