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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth`s rotation, we were all speeding.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.