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A lot of people don`t realise that Shania Twain`s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
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The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.
My misery likes tequila, not company.