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It`s funny how when you post a status and some people think it`s about them..Hahahaha it was.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
If I can’t act weird around you, I’m sorry we can’t be friends.
Today is National Fritters Day. I don`t know what that means, so I just went naked today. Gotta be something like that.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.