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The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
is in no shape to exercise
I wonder if people without dogs actually pick food off the floor?
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.