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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I just called the Alcohol Hotline and those bastards don`t even deliver.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
Just because someone`s richer or more famous or talented doesn`t mean they`re happy. It just means they`re happier than YOU.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.