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Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Walmart.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
Not sure if I logged into Facebook or the Cartoon Network.