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President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the “ABCs” in my head to remember which letter comes next.
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.