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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I have OCD and ADD, so everything must be perfect..but not for very long.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
Statistics show that 3 out of 5 people.. aren`t the other 2.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
My give a damn is busted! Parts on backorder....
The well behaved rarely make history.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
It could be worse. Spiders could have wings.
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
Noise cancelling toilets should be a thing.
I am Looking for a Bank which can offer me these Two Services..... .Give me a Loan & then Leave me aLone. :)