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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
Ever have to poop and your abdominals start to relax just as you near the toilet, and then you notice that `Out of Order` sign or the empty toilet paper dispenser?
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
I`ve been hitting "remind me later" for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
Find someone you`re good at.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.