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Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
You know what’s huge in Japan? ..Sumo wrestlers. ;)
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
It’s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
We all have that one friend that needs to learn how to whisper.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there