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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
Always have a goal. Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
I wish bedtime was all the time.
Can`t we all just hit a bong?
hilarious
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)