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I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
I don`t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
I was voted `Most Paranoid` by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks