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Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
So much to do and so few alibis.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon