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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
Sorry I`m late. I had five cups of coffee and became convinced I could probably bend a fork with my mind, so I had to give it an honest try.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?