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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys "partying"
Losing weight is not working for me, so I`m concentrating on getting taller.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there