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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
I kind of like it getting dark so early because it gives me a great excuse to just stay inside and watch TV.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Who is the genius that decided Little League uniforms be white? My guess is Tide laundry detergent.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug