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That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
I have Beer.
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.