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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
Velcro is a ripoff
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
If only mosquitoes sucked fat, instead of blood.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
I know I am an acquired taste. If you don`t like me, you need to acquire some taste. Or go f*ck yourself. Whichever.
Our parents did the same sh!t too, they`re just liars.
So many fun things to say ... too many relatives on Facebook to post!