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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
only fights if pillows are present.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
I bet attractive people think the world is a lot more polite than it really is.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can`t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I drive safer when there`s food on my passenger seat than when there`s a person sitting there.