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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake