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Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.