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Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
The real problem with this generation is that the cartoons suck.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
There’s nothing better than a nap after a good nights sleep.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
The WWF advert asks, “When the ice goes, where do the polar bears go?” ... Well, swimming, I suppose.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Soup of the day: Beer
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Life Lesson: Never ever, ever do anything you wouldn`t want to explain to a nurse in a busy ER.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.