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I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.