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If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Ok advertisers, for the last time. I’m playing a game I downloaded for free. So, the fact that you chose to advertise here means your product is grossly overpriced…
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
Ways to die: Steal my food.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.