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Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!