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Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d love to bring a guest.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
i like boobs
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."