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My boss hates "yes" men and I have to agree with him.
I need new swear words.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
It`s not the torch she carries for me that has me worried, it`s the gas can in her other hand.
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.