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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
Think you`re going crazy? When you get there, look for me and I`ll show you around.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."