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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one