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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss