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Please don`t hastag out loud...
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
is available for rebound sex.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.