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I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
I guess not everyone at this grocery store is as comfortable with my nudity as I am. ;)
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.