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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
"That`s crazy" is the perfect response when you haven`t been listening.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why my family and friends expect that for free.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.