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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
I know a lot of women who should substitute their lipstick with glue sticks.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
I`m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out I`ll pop open the red and drink that.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?