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I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I hate when beggars rattle their cup full of coins at me. Yes i know! You have more money than me, you don`t have to rub it in..
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Settle down homemade play dough parents.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.